Toefl® essay samples: Telephones and email

[Ellie]

Hello,

Could you correct my TOEFL essay?

Toefl essay samples

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Telephones and email have made communication between people less personal. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

I agree with the idea that telephones and e-mail have made less personal relationship between people. Even telephones and using computer to send mail make you easy to keep in touch with your friends, but more opportunites not meant strong realtionship.

The main reason why i believe with this fact is there are too many opportunities to touch with somebody. It gives you the broader relationship with a variety of people, but your personal relationships are getting more thinner than which you keep the friendship with few of them. Many people prone to exchange their e-mail address or telephone number when their social meeting is over. But in my case there is rare chance to contact with them in the future except a few cases.

Moreover, I strongly believe that the friendship is needed a real emotion between people. Although you can listen their voice through the telephone line, it is difficult to understand the real situation of your friends. Sometimes we just send a common concern message to our friend or call them to say hello too easily without a real warm heart. As these short chat became a habit in your daily life, you easily call them and e-mail them for just say a hello, not only your relationship with people is getting wider but also it is getting thiner like a cobweb.

Nowadays, we have more often chance to meet people with advanced transportation system and high tech communicating skills. But i totally agree the advanced skills, such as using an e-mail and a telephone, prevent to keep the strong relationship between people.

[Alan]

Hi,

My suggestions are in CAPITAL LETTERS:

I agree with the idea that telephones and e-mail have made/CREATED less personal relationshipS between people. Even telephones and using A computer to send mail makeS you/IT easy to keep in touch with your friends, but more opportunites not meant/DOESN'T MEAN strong realtionshipS.

The main reason why i believe with/IN this fact is there are too many opportunities to GET IN touch with somebody. It gives you the broader relationship with a variety of people, but your personal relationships are getting (more) thinner/LESS STRONG than THOSE which you keep (the friendship) with A few of them. Many people ARE prone to exchange their e-mail address or telephone number when their social meeting is over. But in my case there is A rare chance to GET IN contact with them in the future except IN a few cases.

Moreover, I strongly believe that (the) friendship is needed/NEEDS a real emotion between people. Although you can listen TO their voice through the telephone line, it is difficult to understand the real situation of your friends. Sometimes we just send a common/GENERAL (concern) message to our friend or call them to say hello too easily without a realLY warm heart. As these short chatS becOme a habit in your daily life, you easily call them and e-mail them (for) just TO say a hello, not only your relationship with people is getting wider but also it is getting thiner/LESS STRONG like a cobweb.

Nowadays, we have more often chanceS to meet people with THE advanced transportation system and high tech communicating skills. But I totally agree the advanced skills, such as using an e-mail and a telephone, prevent YOU KEEPING (to keep) A strong relationship between people.

Alan
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