TOEFL® Essay: When people succeed, it is because of hard work

[Afaf]

"When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success"

Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above?
Use specific reasons and example to explain your position.

Here's my essay:
"There's no subtitle for hard work" this peace of wisdom was once said by Thomas Edison, a well-known inventor of the 20th century whose rational mind couldn't accept the fragile concept of luck, a concept that is when closely examined will prove to be more suitable to be discussed in fairy tales than to be applied at the practical fields of life.

First and foremost, what is luck? Isn't it the excuse for those who are unwilling to confess their inability to achieve a certain goal? Isn't it the well where we throw our responsibilities and mistakes? Next time you say something wasn't accomplished because of your bad luck, ask yourself: was it bad luck or was it my own ignorance and insufficiency? Look deeper into the matter and you'll find that luck can't determine anything, not even a football match result; it is us who make our own fate.

Secondly, let's look at the matter from another angle, in a world like today's world where everything has as reason and where everything follows a system; is it possible that the result of hard work is equal to the result of laziness? If tow students take the same exam, is it possible that the one who studied hard will get the same result as the one who relied on luck and never bothered to study a word? Life is based on simple, clear rules, which existence is what prevents the world from turning into chaos, one of that rules states that hard work will eventually be rewarded.

Thirdly, if we take a closer look at success and successful people, we'll find that success is a combination of different factors including: hard work, consistence, determination, insistence and a list of other qualities that doesn't include having a good luck.

All in all, I believe that in today's world, success goes to those who are smart enough to know that only work and hard work is the key to success, if luck ever helped someone then it doesn't give, it only lends.

please correct my mistakes and if possible tell me what you think about my writing, I'm taking the test next week and I hope to get responses quickly..
really appretiate your response and thanks for your time

af2

[Alan]

Hi,

"There's no subtitle for hard work" this PIECE of wisdom was once said by Thomas Edison, a well-known inventor of the 20th century whose rational mind couldn't accept the fragile concept of luck, a concept that is when closely examined will prove to be more suitable to be discussed in fairy tales than to be applied IN the practical fields of life.
First and foremost, what is luck? Isn't it the excuse for those who are unwilling to confess their inability to achieve a certain goal? Isn't it the well where we throw our responsibilities and mistakes? Next time you say something wasn't accomplished because of your bad luck, ask yourself: was it bad luck or was it my own ignorance and insufficiency? Look deeper into the matter and you'll find that luck can't determine anything, not even a football match result; it is us who make our own fate.

Secondly, let's look at the matter from another angle, in a world like today's world where everything has as reason and where everything follows a system; is it possible that the result of hard work is equal to the result of laziness? If TWO students take the same exam, is it possible that the one who studied hard will get the same result as the one who relied on luck and never bothered to study a word? Life is based on simple, clear rules, which existence is what prevents the world from turning into chaos, one of that rules states that hard work will eventually be rewarded.

Thirdly, if we take a closer look at success and successful people, we'll find that success is a combination of different factors including: hard work, consistence, determination, insistence and a list of other qualities that doesn't include having good luck.

All in all, I believe that in today's world, success goes to those who are smart enough to know that only work and hard work is the key to success, if luck ever helped someone then it doesn't give, it only lends.

A good piece of writing

Alan
_________________
English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Here comes 2004...

[Afaf]

thanks ..gotta work on my spelling

[TOEFLnIELTSLisa]

Just a couple of pointers:
There's no substitute for hard work. (not subtitle)
that is .... will prove (is or will, not both "when closely examined" is just wedged in the middle, your sentence continues. I'd kick out the is and run with will prove)
applied to (dictionary.cambridge.org > phrasal verb dictionary
consistence (consitency, but I think you might mean perseverance)
Great structure, nice sentences, varied vocabulary. Should get you top grades.

[Afaf]