TOEFL® essay examples: A leader who made important contributions

[Eybazigar]

EVALUATION NEEDED please. I have test in next month.

Question:Leaders like John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made important contributions to the people of the United States. Name another world leader you think is important. Give specific reasons for your choice.

In the Bible, Cyrus is known as simply Koresh. He is also possibly mentioned in the Qur'an under the title "Thol-Qurnyn” who conquered lands east and west. Cyrus had made important contributions to the people of the Iran because; he brought development and freedom for them.

Cyrus brought development for my country. For example, before him people in a different part of the country were fight with each other, they killed children, woman and old men and women. There were no hopes. Each part of the country wanted to be independent because, my country compromise from different nations with different languages and different customs. When Cyrus governed, first he had a big war in the country, the war that was taken about twelve years from Greece to India. After this, he unified all of the states under one name, under one flag and under one government. Moreover, he made Iran the most powerful country in the ancient world. Fabius Pictor, one of the biggest historians, 2500 years ago came to Iran and wrote a book about ancient Iran. He said that “I saw a big country which is from Black sea in east to India in west, their culture is wonderful and this country is a gate to a modern world.” Clearly, Cyrus changed the country in the best way.

2500 years ago, when there was not any freedom in the earth Cyrus brought freedom for his country. For example, in Iran everyone was able to say his own ideas, everyone could have his own religion and leave in peace. Moreover, he made the place for citizens to go there and complaint against each other even against government. This place called “Adlieh” which today we say court. Besides these courts, there was a place that governed in each state that today we call Municipal. This organ should control cities and made a place for citizen to live in welfare. Clearly, he brought peace.

In conclusion, Cyrus had made important contributions to the people of the Iran because, he brought development and freedom. Cyrus said that “grudge me not therefore, this little earth that covers my body."

[MaRine]

here is my essay on this topic - my teacher graded it for about 4.5 out of 5:

Leaders like John Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made important contributions to the people of the US. Name another world leader you think is important. Give specific reasons for your choice.

Some people are different from the others – because of their skills to lead. You can find a leader in every group of any society, but those who unite people and do their best for the sake of the prosperity not only in their own countries but as a whole in the world, deserve to be remembered. Franklin Delano Roosevelt has made many important contributions not only to the people of the US. His policy in the times of World War II had a great influence on its duration and overthrowing one “monster” of the 20th century.
In the years of the Depression when Roosevelt became a president the people of the US was on the brink of poverty, the economy was at its lowest. Roosevelt’s reparations changed this situation to a great extend – his new laws made the country “alive” again. To stop the corruption in the country Roosevelt abrogated the prohibition. Saving the banks all over the US from bankrupt, helped American farmers to recover from miserable living, business could spring again without being afraid of hiring new workers because their money was protected by the law. One of the most important innovations that Roosevelt has made is the fixing of minimal wage. Founding many national institutions (for example: helping unemployed and old people to survive)was another his achievement.
The United States fought during the World War II in union with Great Britain and USSR against Germany, Italy and Japan to return the peace. Roosevelt made it clear that he does not approve Hitler’s actions - he allowed Jews to immigrate in the US. To make the war come to an end Roosevelt led a policy of supporting Great Britain. Even though Roosevelt’s country was not in war until Germany declared it on the US. As a good president he let those who are capable to make the war. Although Roosevelt did not lived to see the end of the war, he surely was a man who gave his best to it.
A man who managed to bring American’s economy to life and did a lot to the end of World War II, Franklin Roosevelt will remain one of the greatest world leaders of the 20th century.

[Tienhoa]

I don't know what to do in this kind of essay!
How many paragraphs should we have? and what is the idea of each?
For example, they ask you to tell a bout subject you want to study.

[MaRine]

tienhoa,
if they ask you to tell about subject you want to study(or whatever they ask you)you should always point out what makes this subject(or something else) better than the others(2nd paragraph),write what are its disadvantages(3rd paragraph),and finally state the reasons for your choice(point of view) in the last paragraph.
I think that this is the best construction for the independent essay,but you can use it if you wish...

Good luck!