Help in essay writing

[Berg]

Hi

I've written an essay, because I want to learn english so I've taken a course. Is there anybody in here who could help me, looking for faults etc.? Would be perfect if it could be today or tommorow because I'm going for holiday saturday. The essay is about 1 page.

You can send me a PrivateMessage if you would like to help or post your e-mail, then I can send the essay. Thank you!

[Torsten]

You can post your essay here on the forum after you have spell checked it.
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[Biodun]

Hello everybody,
Is anybody out there to help me and teach me how to write go essay.
Thanks.

[Manal]

Hi,
I need help in checking an essay and a short story I've written. I just want to know my level at writing. I think I'm weak at writing,so I need help . Can I put them here in the forum?

Best,
Manal

[Manal]

Hi,
This the story which I wrote, would you please read it and tell me what do you think?By the way, I didn't write it as a trial to write stories . It's a trial to practice writing and using vocabulary and the conditional statements.

The Killing Ambition

Five miles from Sant Bern the big port in England, there was a small town called Bon. Bon was facing an economical Crisis . Many of the workers were fired out of their jobs. Bernard, a twenty year old man , was working in one of the three factories in Bon. He hardly found that job, he was working from the morning till night and was getting trivial fee. He lived in a small demolished room near the river.

One day, he was walking down the hill, he was so tired , hungry and upset. He sat under a palm tree and fell asleep. After awhile he heard a voice, “ Bernard..Bernard..wake up!”. He opened his eyes and looked , his friend ,Clare, was awakening him.” What are you doing here?”, Clare said,” you should be working now”.” I’ve been fired out”, Bernard replied. The owner of the factory where Bernard works fired out many workers , he had no money to pay for them. Bernard now has no source for money, he is a poor man. He had no relatives or wealthy friends to help him. On their way home, he told his friend that they will search for new jobs the next day.

Next morning, Clare and Bernard went to find jobs in the two remained factories in their town, but they were not accepted. Then, they walked towards the dairy farms, they asked the owners, yet they were not approved ,too. Clare got so angry,” we should leave this miserable town”, “ yeah, we have to travel to Sant Bern”, Bernard said,” In Sant Bern we can work, we can gain money, lots of money, we can be kings, we might own a ship there”. But, Clare reminded him that the only way to get to Sant Bern is by train, and they do not have money to pay for the tickets. Bernard hit his forehead with his fist and shouted,” money, money ..what a curse! .. we can’t live a noble life because of money. Clare, also, drew his attention to the fact that the best job they can get in Sant Bern is a porter. Bernard sat on the ground covering his face with his hands and said in grief,” I wish I were a rich man.. if I had enough money, I would buy a beautiful house and a dairy farm, or I would buy a factory, people will work for me, I would marry a beautiful princess”. Clare tried to soothe him, he said,” do not worry, Bernard, we’ll get the money and travel to Sant Burn”.

In the evening, while they were walking home, they passed through Mr. Bulks farm, the richest man in the town. They heard sounds of music and people laughing. They came closer, they saw people dressed in neat clothes were dancing and eating lots of types of food and beverages. Bernard was gazing at Mr. Bulk who dressed in an expensive brown suit and was talking to his guests proudly. He said in his mind ,” I wish I were in your foot”. Bernard fastened in his place looking at that man and his house. After long minutes of witnessing Mr. Bulk, Bernard said,” I’ll rob his house”, Clare was shocked ,” Did you loose your mind?”.” No, my mind is still with me.. listen Peter, if we robbed his house and took his money, we would be kings, look at them , they’re living as kings, they don’t care about us, the poor, listen.. I’m going to do it, are you going to help me?”. After a moment of thinking and gazing at Mr. Bulk’s feast, Peter agreed.

At midnight, Peter and Bernard set to Mr. Bulk’s farm, they climbed the fence and infiltrated to the big house. Peter went to the kitchen side, the maid was sleeping there. Bernard looked around, nobody was there. They broke a window and entered the house. None of the guards noticed their existence. They went up stairs looking for the coffer. Bernard entered a room where Mr. Bulk was sleeping, and the coffer was next to his bed. He walked slowly towards it and tried to open it, but he could not. He called Peter and whispers to him,” I can’t open it”. “ let’s awake Mr. Bulk and ask him about the key”, Peter said. “Are you crazy?, he will know us, or he will call the guards”. “ No he won’t, we’ll hide our faces , and if he tried to make any noise , I would kill him”.” What!. Peter.. you hardly agreed to steal money, and now you want to kill the man”.” I’ll kill him,yeah, I agreed to steal money, so I’m committing a crime. If I killed him , it would be the same crime, what’s the difference?”.

In a rush, Bernard hid his face with a piece of cloth and awakened Mr. Bulk. Mr. Bulk was afraid, he said in a trembling voice,” if you need money , I’ll give you much of it, but don’t kill me”. Bernard ordered him to open the coffer, and he did. The coffer was full of money. Both Bernard and Peter were fastened in their places. Then Peter sat in front of the money and said,” Oh God, we’ll be rich.. let’s fill our bag”, they started filling their bag with Bulk’s money.” If you had brought a big bag, we would have taken all the money, by this bag, we can’t carry even its forth”. While they were filling their bag with money, Mr. Bulk took his chance to escape from the room. He went down stairs and called the guards.

The guards went up stairs, they fought with Bernard. One of the guards shot Peter, this made Bernard so mad, he kicked that guard with his legs and shot him by his gone. Bernard , then, was captured by the other gaurds. Mr. Bulk called the police, they came and took Bernard to jail.

In jail, Bernard was silent, his heart was full of anguish for the loss of his friend. He spent the whole time in jail thinking and blaming himself for involving his friend in this incident. “ If I hadn’t asked him to come with me, he would have been alive now”, he cried.

Two days later, Bernard was sentenced to death. On the day of execution, the guards were pushing him towards the guillotine, he was shouting “ I didn’t mean it, I just wanted money.. I didn’t want to kill anyone. If you had given us a chance to work, we wouldn’t have thought of robbery” nobody was affected by his words. The guards kept on pushing him, and stood on the guillotine. In minutes, he was executed. he was buried next to his friend Peter.

[Manal]

Hi,
This is the essay, would you read it and let me know what do you think about the introduction, the thesis statement, the conclusion, and the organization of ideas.
I think it's not rich in meaning or I did not support my thesis well, what do you think?

The Best of Priorities

It is known that people have many priorities in their life, health is one of these priorities for most of them. They persist in that health for them is better than wealth. It is the most important thing in the man's life. It brings many advantages for him in all fields.

Most people believe that they should live a healthy life because this will help them do their daily duties in the right way. They can perfectly do their main duty which is worshiping Allah. And they can work and learn in a good way. They can raise their children properly, and enjoy all the pleasures of life like traveling, food and drinks. If they neglect their health and live in a swamp of diseases, they will not have the opportunity to enjoy these pleasures. Even they will not be able to succeed in any thing in their life or to identify themselves.

As health helps the man on the personal level, it helps him to be effective in his society. Being healthy in mind and body, the teacher can teach his students properly, the worker can work perfectly, the policeman can do his work very well, all people can serve efficiently in building up their society.

Health, also, enables the man to serve his religion, it has a great status in Islam. Islam states that Muslims have to be healthy in their bodies and souls. It urges them to give up dissipation in every thing even in worshiping Allah. It prohibits some kinds of food as well as illegal relations in order to keep the man away from diseases. Moreover: it persists in receiving medical treatment if the man catches any disease. When Applying these rules, the man can be a good worshiper, and a successful preacher. He can succeed in transferring the message of Islam.

To sum up, health is a great thing, it is a big loss to live without it. It is a mark that the man is respecting himself. It leads to success in all fields of life. In addition , it is the key for gaining wealth and excellent education. Everyone should take care of his health and the health of those he is responsible for. He has to follow the Islamic instructions in order to gain wonderful results.

[Biodun]

For this types of essay, l will define priorities and health before l go further.

[Hosstok]

Manal,
i am not professional in English but i sow you are good and you are trying to practice. Any way i sow you are on the right way & i am very glad for your effort.
On the other hand i like English so much. So i am really need to learn, practicing with others and i am feeling it is not difficult.
Please accept my best regards,
Ahmed Hossam
Egypt

[Christine_12]

wow,,, that is one of the best essay i've already read , it's great .. can you please teach me how can i wrote an essay like that?.
I understand english,, but when the time comes i will be the one to create an essay it's hard for me.
please share your knowledge to me tnx,,

[Alan]

Hi,

I've made some suggestions in CAPITAL letters:

The Best of Priorities

It is known that people have many priorities in their life, health is one of these priorities for most of them. They persist in BELIEVING that health for them is better than wealth. It is the most important thing in (the NOT NEEDED) man's life. It brings many advantages for him in all fields.

Most people believe that they should live a healthy life because this will help them do their daily duties in the right way. They can CARRY OUT their main duty PERFECTLY, which is worshipPing Allah. And they can work and learn in a good way. They can raise their children properly, and enjoy all the pleasures of life like traveling, food and drinks. If they neglect their health and live in a MORASS of diseases, they will not have the opportunity to enjoy these pleasures. Even they will not be able to succeed in anything in their life or to identify themselves.

As health helps (the) man on the personal level, it helps him to be effective in his society. Being healthy in mind and body, the teacher can teach his students properly, the worker can work perfectly, the policeman can do his work very well, EVERYONE can serve efficiently in building up their society.

Health, also, enables (the) man to serve his religion, it has a great status in Islam. Islam states that Muslims have to be healthy in their bodies and souls. It urges them to give up dissipation in every thing even in worshipPing Allah. It prohibits some kinds of food as well as illegal relationsHIPS in order to keep (the) man away from diseases. Moreover: it INSISTS ?? ON PEOPLE receiving medical treatment if ANYONE catches any disease. When Applying these rules, (the) man can be a good worshipPer, and a successful preacher. He can succeed in transferring the message of Islam.

To sum up, health is a great thing, it is a big loss to live without it. It is a SIGN that (the) man is respecting himself. It leads to success in all fields of life. In addition , it is the key for gaining wealth and excellent education. Everyone should take care of his health and the health of those he is responsible for. He has to follow the Islamic instructions in order to gain wonderful results.

This is a clear and well presented piece of writing.

Alan
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[Manal]

Hi Mr. Alan,
Thanks alot for your help, I really appreciate it.

Regards ,
Manal

[Manal]

Hi Christine,
Writing essays is not difficult , but you need guidence from others. I'll try to help you. First, you have to know that essays are not written like this from the first time you handle your pen. Any essay you read is a result of many steps.

First, you have to write a" thesis statement" this statement carries the main idea of the whole essay.
Suppose that your teacher asked you to write an essay about your favorite place.
you should think of a sentence that reflects this idea without additional ideas. Just one topic showing that it's your favourite place.
for example, Paris is the most wonderful city in the world.
or, The Alps are the most amazing mountains on the earth.

Now Christine, try to write a thesis statement. Think of any topic like: pollution, education, TV, or any thing.

If you have any question ask me I'll answer for all your questions. This is the first lesson of writitng essays. you have to practice thesis statements before going to the second step.