Please do me a favour to adjust my appointment letter

[Torsten]

Dear Kelly,

If you want to establish a business relationship with the San Miguel (Beer) company, you first have to ask yourself this question: Why would the San Miguel Beer company want to do business with us? You start your letter by mentioning an introduction to your company. Why would the San Miguel company be interested in your company? Of course you want to promote your business and you have created a company profile. However, in order to attract the attention of the San Miguel company, you should study their profile in detail and talk about their situation, about new opportunities for them, about ways of making more profit for them. Only then will they want to hear more.
Let me know what you think,
Regards
Torsten
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Kelly]

Hi Tortens
Thanks for your advice, now I understand the main points of writing a business letter, I mean when we would like to gain a co-operation opportunity.
By the way, would you please to give me a hand on below appointment letter? I am talking about the grammars and word choices I have used. Can you correct it for me? Is it allright if I ask you to do so?
Again, thanks so much for your help.

Dear Ms.June
Enclosed is an introduction to our company. We hope that after having referred to our company profile, there are opportunities to build a close working relationship with San Miguel Co.,ltd. Would it be possible for us to make an appointment to meet you on this Thursday 02 March or Friday 03 March at 10AM for further discuss possible business co-operations?

We are looking forward to hearing from you soon,
Yours sincerely,
...........
Secretary

Thanks in advance for your help
Regards,

[Torsten]

Well, the following is just a suggestion, the message could be improved even more:

Dear Mrs June,

As you will see from the attached company profile there is an opportunity for San Miguel Co. Ltd. to establish a successful business relationship with us. If you like we can discuss details of our collaboration in a meeting today, on Thursday March 2 or tomorrow, Friday March 3, at 10 am.

We are looking forward to hearing from you soon,
Yours sincerely,
...........
Secretary
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Kelly]

Dear Tortens
Thanks so much for your help.
Well, the information is quite clear now. It sounds more attractive and I believe that we will gain the meeting opportunity.
Again, thank you very much for your generosity.

Best regards,