Toefl® essay: You have enough money to purchase either...

[niranjan]

in addition to correcting this please suggest an approximate score that i might get if i submit this essay in the toefl exam.

thank you.

toefl essay:
You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

The given topic is highly debatable and mainly depends on an individual’s frame of mind and way of thinking. I particularly would choose buying a house rather than a business. To support my decision I state (WOULD LIKE TO STATE) a few reasons.

First of all, assuming that I have the management skills that are necessary to run a business, it is not guaranteed to give me a fixed income. The business output will surely waver(FLUCTUATE) continually making it difficult to get the initial investment back in a short period. Moreover, the choice of business might not be suitable for the place I stay in (WHERE I AM LIVING)and hence (THIS WOULD) result in a complete loss. As a person who doesn’t like to risk a lot, for example, here (HERE NOT NEEDED)my savings, I for one will not go for a business.

Second of all,(JUST: SECOND(LY) ) a house with my hard-earned money would give me something to cherish and share with a family. I will have a place to call as my own. It is a luxury that only a few have and I would definitely like to (SHARE)part of that. Also, one cannot forget the pride that goes along with the fact of owning a house. Moreover unlike a business, I don’t have to worry about the risks that I might face after buying a house. On the contrary, a business might give more returns than a house, but it may not be the case always. That is a risk only a few might take and I am not one of them.

Therefore after considering both sides of the issue, I would rather buy a house. I have come upon (REACHED) this conclusion basically because I feel there are more disadvantages than advantages with (TO)owning a business.

niranjan

[Guest]

you have to restate the topic in your introduction.

[Alan]

Hi Niranjan,

I have made a few changes in capital letters.

[Love Bee]

you have enough money to purchase either a house or a busine,which would you choose to buy? give specific reasons to explain your choice.

Helen, a friend of my sister, has quitted her job and started her own business recently after working hardly for several years without satisfied salary. Nowadays, considering the low inrest rate, lots of people think of transferring their money from bank deposit to other places where they can get earn more profit in order to complete thier low salary. Buying a house or doing business can be two ways of accumulating wealth. But since the former one involves less risk ,it becomes the choice of lots of people. Others, however, like me, regard the latter one as their propensity.