TOEFL® essay sample: Selection between buying a house...

[Safwan]

Dear Alan, I am new to your forum, infact, to any forum. I am posting my essay kindly review it.
You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

Sometimes it is only selection of some thing at the right times which make or mar your fortune. Similar kind of situation is given here. If I would ask to select between a house and a business with a same amount of money; I would go for a business.
First of all, in one way it is a bit risky choice. But as it is said that ‘Future smiles at the brave’; therefore, I am ready to take the risk involved in establishing business. People, who are opposed to this idea, might say that business can be successful or it can be a worst disaster. They might believe in investing or buying a house is safer than doing business. For them, I say, that it can be a success too. Moreover, I have selected this choice by calculating some opportunities which I have regarding the field in which I want to do business.
I am a Biotechnologist by profession. I am living in Pakistan and at the moment in this country there is not even a single industry producing any biotech product. In other words, I will be having no competitors in the market. It leaves me to the competition in the world market. I have also a solution for that. I will start with the production of high value and low volume ‘enzymes’ at a very small scale. That will cater for only the needs of Pakistan. The edge which I would be having regarding it will be that you do not need very quality and sterilization control of very high level in the production of industrial enzymes. For the first five years, I will cater for only Pakistani market. Then, I will move onto to the production of medicinal enzymes with the help of some international collaboration. By going into International Collaboration, I will safeguard any further risks regarding safety precautions and consumer market.
According to my calculations if you can develop a project which is 80% feasible than one should go for a business. I think by setting business, I might be able to buy tens or thousands of that houses which I didn’t buy at the first instance. If I will choose to buy a house, then I will certainly miss a chance to get richer.

[Alan]

Hi safwan,

My comments are in CAPITAL ltters: